


Memory

by ElloOubliette



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Disability, Hurt Remus Lupin, Internalized Homophobia, James Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Overprotective Sirius Black, References to Depression, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:40:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24535552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElloOubliette/pseuds/ElloOubliette
Summary: When Remus is seriously injured and can't remember what happened Sirius is there for him, but why is Sirius being so evasive?
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 56
Kudos: 126





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So this story will be Wolfstar cause I wouldn't write something else. I hope you guys like it, please let me know of any spelling or grammar mistakes - Myka

Remus couldn't think, his head was pounding and the ringing in his ears was making him feel sick.

'Am I in the shack?.. no, this isn't the shack, so did I transform last night somewhere else? or wait.. last night wasn't a moon was it? I'm not sure. God my head is killing me, why does my head hurt so much?' Remus tried to gather his thoughts but as he looked around wildly trying to figure out what the hell was going on he couldn't even place together where he was or why let alone what had happened. There was blood coming from somewhere on his head, and his leg was bent at an odd angle.

"What the fuck is going on?" Remus asked himself. He had to get help, he knew that but how? He didn't know where his wand was and he'd managed to at the very least figure out through the fog that his leg was pretty badly broken so walking for help wouldn't be an option. He needed to get to the hospital wing, if he was even still at Hogwarts...

"Sirius!" he suddenly remembered, he'd been with Sirius the last he could remember he was with Sirius, but how long ago was that? Was Sirius okay? He was starting to spiral into panic when he heard a deep groan coming from somewhere near him.

"H Hello?" he asked fear making his voice quiver.

"Remus?" the voice answered, god it was pitch black in here, where ever here was.

"Who.. Whose there?" his voice now next to a whisper as the panic kept raising within him.

"Lumos" the voice called, and he had to squint in blindness caused by the sudden light, it wasn't a heavy light or anything but the blackness that had been in the room was so deep that it beamed like the sun on a clear 30 degree day in the middle of August. He blinked out the temporary blindness and staring back at him he finally made out the bruise and swollen face of his best friend.

"Sirius! Merlin what happened? Your hurt!" He exhaled out in a rush, feeling some of his panic abate now that he knew who the voice belonged to and seeing the wand in Sirius' hand. Remus started dragging himself towards him, desperate for his friends comfort and hopefully knowledge of what kind of a situation they were in.

"I'm fine Moony" Sirius reassured him while wrapping his arms around Remus and pulling him into a comforting hug. Sirius held onto him tightly for awhile before he seemed to realize Remus had shuffled towards him, letting go of Remus to flash his wand over his body.

"God Remus your leg! and you're bleeding, where are you hurt? I'm going to kill those mother fuckers, I swear to god! As soon as we're out of here i'm going to fucking kill them!" Sirius was almost screaming as Remus watched Sirius' face flash red with such anger it almost scared him.

"Who Siri? and what happened?!" the panic returning to him and making his breathing come out erratically again at not remembering what had happened to them. Why didn't he remember? Sirius obviously did, so why didn't he? He was entering a full blown panic attack now and air was no longer seeming to fill his lungs as his heart pounded so rapidly it felt like it may explode out of his chest in a bloody mess.

"Rem! Rem, calm down, it's okay, you're going to be okay, here.." Sirius told him while grabbing Remus' hand and placing it on his chest "Feel my breathing, breath with me okay? Just calm down and breath with me, it's going to be okay" Sirius continued to reassure as Remus took a few minutes to settle his breathing so it no longer felt like he was being choked and his heart stopped playing rock music.

"Listen, I'm guessing you hit your head in the fall, so lets not worry about the who's and what's right now and focus on getting you out of here, Okay?" Sirius was asking him while Remus was still too busy restoring oxygen to his brain to form words so he just nodded his consent to the plan. He despised the not knowing what happened, it reminded him too much of the mornings following the full moon, however he needed to get out of this dark, cold place.

Sirius started rustling around in his cloak before pulling out the two way mirror him and James used for all kinds of trouble. Remus slump against him hoping to hell James would answer Sirius as he was starting to feel the pain from his injuries now that his panic was wearing off.

"God please answer" Sirius said before calling James' name into the mirror.

"For fucks sake Padfoot, where the bloody hell are you? I've been trying to find you for ages and you've got the fucking map!" James' voice was so good to hear right now, even if he was screaming at Sirius.

"Prongs! Shut up for a minute will you?" Sirius was cutting him off as James' had continued to yell. Remus' eyes were starting to get heavy and the ringing in his ears seemed to be getting louder, now he wasn't sure if James kept yelling or not as he could only hear Sirius because his ear was pressed against his chest everything else was being blocked out thanks to the damn ringing.

"We need help James"  
"No, it's Rem. His leg is pretty messed up"  
"The second floor corridor that room behind the painting of the two blokes with the orange robes"

Now even Sirius' voice seemed to be getting jumbled in his head as Remus' eyes got heavier and he was fighting to stay awake.

"No... McGongall.. No longer secret.. Slytherins"  
"Can't.. Moony.. Pomfrey"  
"Now... ..."

and that was the last Remus heard before losing his battle was consciousness.


	2. What happened?

Remus woke up in a sweat, consciousness coming to him in one fell swoop rather then its usual slow begrudging return. He figured he must have had a nightmare or something, though he couldn’t quite recall. He wasn’t that concerned about what woke him up, he was too focused on the where.

Looking around at the antiseptic room Remus knew this place like that back of his hand, he’d been here enough; after the full moons, pranks that went wrong, Run ins with Slytherins. This is the Hospital wing, why the hell was he in the hospital wing? No pranks came to mind, and it definitely wasn’t the full moon seeing as he wasn’t in his private room, maybe a run in with Slytherins though he couldn’t remember one. There seemed to be a mysterious ringing in his ears, maybe he was cursed or something.  
Remus was still looking around trying to remember anything when he noticed the slumped over figure of Sirius Black, sleeping away soundly in the chair beside his bed.

“Sirius” Remus hated to wake him up, but he needed to know why he was in the hospital.  
“Mmmh” Sirius grumbled while stretching out his neck that had been in an awkward position while he snoozed.  
“Rem, you’re up?” Sirius’ voice was slightly muted for Remus’ usual sharp hearing, it was making him quite anxious combined with the ringing. So he figured he’d get straight to the point.  
“Yeah Pads, why am I here?” he inquired  
“Well talk about it later k? Pomfrey only let me stay if I agreed to fetch her when you woke up” Sirius answered quickly, his eyes looking around the room oddly avoiding making eye contact with Remus before awkwardly squeezing his arm and heading out of the curtains surrounding the bed.  
“ookay” Remus mumbled to his retreating form.

xxxxxxxxxx

Pomfrey swooped in with her usual style, poking and prodding Remus seeking any hidden maladies. Sirius was standing behind her staring down towards his feet shuffling them around as he watched them with intense focus, Remus was too busy watching Sirius to notice Pomfrey had ended her physical examination and begun talking to him.  
“Mr. Lupin?”  
“Huh?” Remus responded finally hearing her and breaking his concentration on Sirius.  
“I asked how you were feeling, if there was anything still hurting?” She asked him  
“Oh um I don’t have any pain, I don’t think so.. Well I guess there’s this ringing in my ears but um, what uh, what happened?” He stumbled out dumbly, still focusing on Sirius who looked up at him briefly once he’d asked before resuming his guard of the floor.  
“That’s an excellent question Mr. Lupin, one we were hoping you’d be able to answer seeing as your friend appears to have missed all the action” Pomfrey supplied while giving Sirius one of her patented ‘I know you’re full of shit’ looks.  
“Do you remember anything?” She finished  
“N..no” Remus managed to get out, starting to feel even more panicked about why on earth he was in the hospital wing.  
“Not to worry Mr. Lupin sometimes with head injuries these things can take awhile, However for now lets focus on your ears alright?”  
Pomfrey knew him by now and could tell when he was starting to panic, as he knew her and could recognize her placate and switch to a different topic move, though he could read on her face that his memory problems still concerned her.

Pomfrey then kicked Sirius out of the room, and to his surprise Sirius left without so much as a grumble in opposition. After she proceeded to ask him numerous questions about his ears and hearing, while preforming all manner of tests to check out his hearing and cognitive functioning. Pomfrey had a way of giving no valuable information while she preformed tests on her patients and as he’d been her most frequent patient for 6 and a half years he knew better then to ask her until she had all her diagnostics out of the way. She would tell him after, he knew this but the lack of knowledge about his current situation was killing him and he just wanted her to finish her inquisition so he could begin his. 

By the time she finished the ringing in his ears had become significantly worse and his head was pounding from the noise and Pomfrey’s prodding. The pain almost had him asking Pomfrey to explain everything to him later, but the need for information won out.  
“Well Mr. Lupin, it looks like were all done here” She finally said stepping back from him a glum look on her face  
“So what’s going on? What happened to me?” He asked her again, hoping for an answer that didn’t make him more confused this time.  
Pomfrey took a seat in the chair next to him before speaking again, never a good sign.  
“From what Mr. Black has told Headmaster Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall, we know very little” She said while handing him a glass of water off the side table, anticipating that this would be the kind of talk where one preferred to have something to do with their hands.  
“Mr. Black informed us that he went looking for you after you failed to show up for dinner, he claims to have found you being attacked by a group of your Slytherin peers”  
Remus continued to quietly listen to her explanation, not wanting to interrupt her. Something already didn’t feel right about it, Sirius wasn’t acting like they had been simply cursed and beaten up by Slytherins, Regardless he let Pomfrey talk uninterrupted.  
“It seems he tried to come to your rescue and was knocked unconscious by your attackers. He claims to know nothing else that could be helpful” Pomfrey finished, looking at him expectantly for any questions.

It took him a minute or so to sink in what Pomfrey was trying to tell him, not that he’d been hurt by Slytherins as that wasn’t anything unusual, but the unspoken yet clearly implied by her tone addition of Sirius knows more than he’s saying at least to the teachers. He would have to ask Sirius if he wanted to know more. After this had time to register he felt a bit better, Sirius rarely told anyone in charge the full story and though he felt a strange sense of unease surrounding the concept of asking Sirius, he was able to take a deep breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

“What about the ringing in my ears?” He was finally able to ask her.

Pomfrey let out a strange sigh at this and briefly looked away from him, avoiding his eyes like Sirius had earlier. Suddenly he knew this was the part of the conversation that required glasses of water to hold on to and sitting down.

“I’m sorry Remus, without knowing more about the attack there isn’t much more I can do..” She started, and Remus felt the lump in his throat forming from the second she said his first name, he attempted to swallow the fear to listen to her voice continue it’s explanation “..It appears you’re ears have significant damage, it’s hard to know with your advanced healing if they will recover or not.. your hearing seems to be significantly effected and I’m afraid it may get worse”

The lump in Remus’ throat became far more pronounced during her speech and now he felt it being joined by water clouding his eyes. He swallowed some water to attempt to push the lump down enough to speak and refused to let the tears fall, yet when he spoke his voice still came out small and broken.  
“Am I going to lose my hearing?”

“unfortunately I can’t tell you anything with conviction, however it’s likely that you will be left with minimal hearing once the scar tissue forms completely” Pomfrey told him as he lost his fight against the tears which now streamed down his face freely, and once she finished he completely lost his famed control and started to sob, he didn’t even notice when her arms wrapped protectively around him or his wrapping desperately around her.

It took awhile before he was able to calm down enough to let go out her and wipe his face with the damp cloth she’d conjured for him. When he was able to take a few deep shuddering breaths to calm enough to look back at her he saw her eyes spilling secret tears with him, she had become like a second mother to him in the time he’d been under her care and he could see the hurt marring her face. Now it was her turn to take a shuddering breath as she looked at him in return and began to speak again.

“That’s not all Remus.. I’m so sorry..” She began to force out, her usual confident and perhaps a bit pushy tone now hesitant.  
“It seems your attackers somehow found out..” She stopped suddenly to take a sip of her own water, but Remus couldn’t handle the pause as fear overtook him at those words.

“Found out what?!” he nearly shouted at her to continue.

unfortunately she did with the sentence he'd hoped he'd never have to hear  
“They found out that you’re a Werewolf”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. It's partly written from experience as i'm losing my eyesight, so hopefully done respectfully to anyone who has to go through losing a sense. Also sorry for the wait I was out camping. Let me know what you think of this chapter! - Myka


	3. Dark and Gloomy Places

Remus was running, he wasn’t sure where to or for how long he’d been running. He heard Pomfrey’s voice telling him that his secret was out and the next thing he knew he was running through the halls of Hogwarts clad in hospital pajamas. He’d only seemed to become aware of his running when he’d knocked over a couple of first years in his sprint, but his body not his mind was leading the way so he continued to run destination unknown.

His body continued to lead him through what he recognized as the second floor corridor, before he slammed to a stop in front of an odd painting of two scholarly looking men wearing a matching set of dark orangeish robes. The men turned to stare at him with displeased looks at his abrupt arrival, but if they said anything Remus didn’t hear it as he was too busy forcing the painting to move away from the wall and climbing into the hole behind it. He still ran until he came to the top a dark staircase, leading down to what looked like a pit of blackness. He had no idea why he’d run here but now at the top of the rickety old stair case he stood frozen in place by an overwhelming sense of fear he couldn’t explain. Suddenly his feet were moving again, though now at the grace and speed of a toddler hesitantly taking their first steps. He clung onto the wall to one side of the stairs for dear life, as if his body was afraid the stairs would abruptly become to narrow for his feet and he’d fall down the sheer drop on the wall-less side. Still he descended into the dark space, his mind raging with fear as his feet defied all traces of logic with their movement.

At the bottom of the stairs Remus’ body seemed to give out and he collapsed in a lump against the wall, arm instinctively wrapping around his legs pulling them into his body. There he sat in the fetal position, his mind almost blank with the exception of Pomfrey’s words playing over and over in his mind.  
‘They found out that you’re a Werewolf, They found out that you’re a Werewolf, They found out that you’re a Werewolf’ It was like a hook from a catchy song you couldn’t get out of your head, only it wasn’t some pop song, it was his entire life coming crashing down around him.

Remus didn’t know how much time had passed, nor had he realized when he began to sob into his knees. The thought was so all encompassing that he could’ve been like this for days for all he knew, or it could have very well just been a few minutes. It was only broken when he felt a hand land on his shoulder startling him from his broken reverie. “Everyone’s been looking for you for hours” the owner of the hand was telling him in a kind voice. He didn’t need to look up to know who owned the voice so he remained in his safe little curled position.

“you could’ve found me in a minute James, so I don’t think everyone’s been looking” he replied bitterly after James slumped down beside him.

“True, and Sirius demanded I do just that.. but I figured you didn’t come to a creepy dark secret passageway so you could socialize, and anyways I’ve been sat at the top of those steps for hours” As James said this Remus finally looked up at him through red rimmed eyes. It always surprised Remus when James dropped his arrogant mask and showed his true caring nature, even with his friends it was a rare event.

“ ‘Course, now my arse kills from sitting of the cement waiting for you” James added beaming smile removing his serious expression momentarily.

“Sorry I wasn’t really concerned about your arse, nor was I aware of it’s presents” Remus replied, glad for the levity James seemed to so easily provide.

“All should be constantly concerned about my arse Moony, especially as it narrowly escaped being beaten by Pads when I suggested giving you time before coming to find you” James responded losing some of his humorous tone at the mention of Sirius.

“Yeah? Well if Sirius cared so much, then where the hell is he?” Remus fumed out, unsure why this made him so angry but completely unable to control his emotions at the moment.

“He wanted to come Moons, really bad.. but Dumbles sequestered him to his office, He didn’t go without a fight.. I swear McGonagall almost had to drag him kicking and screaming” although the scene James verbally painted sounded quite funny the tone in his voice was anything but, causing Remus to slip back into the dark void that he’d poked his head out of at James’ appearance.

They both sat in an uncomfortable gloomy type silence before Remus felt the need to speak the thoughts he’d told them many times before, yet they always brushed off. 

“you’re all going to get hurt because of me” he said in a way that left no room for argument. He was so sincere in his statement that he was baffled by James flippant reply.

“So what?” James look him dead in the eyes as he said this.

“what do you mean so what?! Are you stupid? Do you not understand? People know about me now, if they find out you guys knew let alone becoming animagi to help.. you could.. you guys..” The strength and conviction Remus started talking with died in his mouth as he thought of all the consequences his friends could be facing, Only to be replace by a darker thought that’d been plaguing his mind.

“I’m going to do put down” He said with fresh tears springing from his eyes. “I’m going to be put down and if you guys aren’t careful you’ll end up in Azkaban”.

Silence rang over them only broken by the sobs Remus let out, though now muffled by James’ Shoulder as James pulled him into a tight embrace. 

“No you’re not” James told him once his sobs died into a soft shuddering cry.

“How.. how am I not James? I’m.. I’m.. I’m going to have my head cut off, the only plus side J.. James is.. is that I might not hear the a.. a.. axe as it cuts off my head” Remus struggled to get out through the tears free flow down his face.

“You’re Not!” James punctuated the words with force, before ending with conviction “Sirius is going to take care of it!” 

"Sirius can't fix this James, no one can" Remus almost whispered, it coming out barely audible to his damaged ears.

Then another voice came from the direction of the stairs, one whose foot steps Remus had not heard approach.

"James is right Rem, I'm going to fix this"


	4. Things Left Unsaid

"James is right Rem, I'm going to fix this" 

There was Sirius Black stood in front of Remus and James, his presents always held an air about it that Remus just couldn’t explain. It was like it calmed him, angered him, caused him extreme anxiety, and something else he couldn’t quite describe all at the same time. Sirius Black was a tornado that he was lucky enough to be in the eye of.

“And pray tell how that’s going to happen?” he asked voice relaying the doubt he had at Sirius’ ability to correct anything that was happening. 

“I’m working on it with Dumbledore” Sirius said flopping down to the opposite side of Remus from James, though he sat about a foot away.

Hope sprung up inside Remus at Sirius’ remark, hope that he’d at least survive this even if he had to leave school. Though believing that Sirius could fix anything this big would be a huge leap of faith, Sirius was after all a tornado, he left destruction and disaster in his wake at almost every turn and took enormous pride in doing so. Yet Remus always found himself falling for his charm and believing him.

“Care to elaborate? It’s only my life and education were talking about here” Remus commented feeling some of his usual snark coming back to him with the hope that Sirius brought.

“Well, Dumbles has Mulciber, Avery and Rosier in his office to find out if they told anyone.. Then I don’t know what he plans on doing, but if he doesn’t then I’ll Obliviate them all” Sirius informed him as he picked at his nails, as if the whole topic bored him or something. Remus was staring at Sirius his mouth open in disbelief at Sirius’ attitude towards the topic, had it not been for his advanced eye sight he wouldn’t have noticed in the dark Sirius glace towards him. Sirius’ eyes held such for lack of a better term seriousness and though he looked away the second he realized through the dark that Remus was looking back at him Remus still caught what appeared to be a look of sadness etched on his face. 

“Mulciber, Avery and Rosier? So their the ones who know? Fucking great.” Remus announced, hands moving to wipe off his face, he promised himself that he wouldn’t cry again ‘ Time to be a big boy and take what’s coming to me’ he thought sucking in a deep breath.

“Prongs, could I talk to Moony alone? I think we’d ought to discuss what happened in private” Sirius said, standing back up and offering James a hand. 

“Uh, Yeah, Sure no problem Pads” James grabbed the hand offered to him, but sounded weirdly reluctant to leave Sirius and Remus alone. As he started his walk up the stairs Remus noticed him turn to face them, mouth opening then quickly shutting again before shaking his head negatively and resuming his walk up the stairs. Remus didn’t hear Sirius start talking as he thought about James’ strange departure.

“Moony?” He suddenly heard.

“Oh, sorry what?” Remus said, regaining his focus back on Sirius 

“Listen Moons, I don’t know what you remember or don’t .. but could we like get out of this place? I really don’t like it here anymore.. it ain’t full of cheery memories” Sirius eyes shifting around the room as he spoke, seeming to land everywhere but on Remus.

“Well I’m not feeling very fucking cheery and I don’t want to move” Remus wasn’t feeling up for Sirius' crap, whatever his problem with their current location was he could deal with it, Remus wasn’t moving.

“Sure, Fine, Whatever. You’re choice” Sirius huffed.

“Why does it bug you so much being here?” Remus replied as he still watched Sirius’ eyes darting around the room, looking at the space as it it held all the evils in the world. 

“Cause this is where it happened Rem” Sirius whispered into the dark. Though Remus heard something along the lines of ‘cause, where, re’ Which caused him to feel fairly annoyed “Could you speak up? I didn’t catch a word of that” he tried to keep the irritation out of his voice but failed miserably.

“It happened here! Right fucking here! I don’t want to spend another fucking minute in this place!” Sirius’s voice suddenly filled with anger was now screaming rather loudly, shocking Remus and pulling him from mild irritation to full out fury.

“Where what happened?! For Merlin’s sake, can you just bloody well tell me what happened? All I know is I woke up in the hospital, Pomfrey tells me I was attacked, I might lose my hearing and that everyone knows I’m a fucking werewolf! My life has pretty much gone to hell and no one will tell me what happened!” Remus matched Sirius’s volume as he yelled back at him, losing complete control. Sirius had no right to be angry, he was the one who had to deal with this NOT Sirius.

“You’re losing your hearing?!” Sirius bellowed, Remus watched as he seemed to take out whatever was making him so angry on the walls of the room, punching and kicking them as if the space itself deserved punishment for whatever occurred within it.

“Padfoot, please what happened?” Remus asked again, this time all anger flattering after seeing Sirius’ rampage against the walls. Sirius upon hearing him seemed to forfeit his fight, and slid down the wall he was currently kicking. His fury still evident on his face, but seemingly placed aside for the time being.

“you really don’t remember anything?” he asked, with a tone to it Remus couldn’t place the meaning of.

“No, nothing. Last thing I remember is Potions class” at this Sirius seemed to relax, a small almost indistinguishable smile formed on his lips, yet hidden again as he finally looked at Remus and sighed.  
“Well, okay.. See you weren’t at dinner.. so I went to look for you.. couldn’t find you really, so I got the map.. Saw the twisted trio by you on the map, so I ran here.. well up there”

“And?” Remus prompted at Sirius’ pause, his eyes had returned their guard of the floor. Remus was still rather agitated at trying to collect information from him, ‘like pulling blood from a stone’ he thought.

“Well I walked in and they were beating you pretty good.. you’re shirt was ripped, so I guess they saw your scar. I hit them with a few hexes.. but 3 against 1 ya’ know and really I could’ve taken them.. then suddenly we were throwing punches instead of hexes.. I guess you must have come to as next thing I know Rosier is pushing you.. and Merlin the sound of your head hitting the cement.. I should’ve fought them more, but I didn’t know if you’d have survived that fall.. So I ran down the steps, One of those fuckers must’ve hit me with a curse cause I wake up a couple hours later down here” Sirius breathed out, explanation coming out like one long sigh, it sounded almost rehearsed the way he paused only to take a few breaths and Remus was going to question him when Sirius spoke again with a sense of finality.  
“So yeah.. That’s everything”

“What about..Pomfrey says my hearing.. something about a curse” It was the one thing Sirius didn’t explain with his story and he was hopeful that Sirius may be able to provide something that could help Pomfrey heal him, not that he was sure it would even matter at this point.

“I didn’t see them curse you, When I came in you were pretty much passed out” Sirius dismissed.  
“Now can we PLEASE leave here?” Remus wanted to stay and pick apart Sirius’ story, but at the same time he figured ‘what’s the point, I likely won’t be around much longer’. So he conceded.

“Yeah Pads, I suppose I should go find out if I’m just expelled or taking a one way trip to Azkaban”

With this said Remus felt a sort of small acceptance, he couldn’t change what would happen, nor could Sirius no matter what he claimed. He stood up brushing off his pajama pants and the two started their walk in silence towards Dumbledore’s office, Sirius leaving at least a 2 foot gap between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, so I'm a bit self conscious about this chapter.. then again i'm a perfectionist so i'm always a bit nervous and will over edit to death if i don't just throw it out there. Let me know what you guys think! A bit more explained at least, though I couldn't have too much explained yet sorry :P Again I really hope you guys like this, and all the chapters, but especially this one as it gave me great difficulty! - Myka  
> (also tini tiny X-Files reference)


	5. It's Going to be okay, or Not?

Remus was getting further annoyed by Sirius’ strange behaviour as they walked, no matter what he said Sirius would just shrug or give a very brief answer. Not that Remus was feeling particularly chatty, but he wanted Sirius’ eyes to meet his or Sirius’ usual manner of walking way too close to him for comfort. He felt if Sirius would just act normal he could at least pretend they weren’t walking to his doom, Yet Sirius denied him this small semblance of normality.

Remus was about to say something, ask him what the hell was wrong, he’d been attacked by Slytherins before and Sirius had never been weird about it.. maybe it was the wolf thing, ‘God maybe Sirius has finally realized how dangerous it was to be friends with me’ He thought as his words died in his mouth. So on they continued in virtual silence until they reached the gargoyle that marked the entrance to Dumbledore’s office.

Sirius said something Remus didn’t hear, but he assumed it was the password as the gargoyle was moving away now. He took a deep gulping breath before he started up the stairs. He was about halfway up when he noticed that Sirius wasn’t with him, he looked back to try and say goodbye to Sirius as he assumed this would be the last he saw him, however there was only emptiness where Sirius had been.  
‘Great.. I guess goodbyes were never his thing anyways’ Remus thought as he continued forward, although his mind could remain logical about it his heart hurt that Sirius could just leave like that.

It felt like it took forever to reach the door to Dumbledore’s office, when in reality it was only a few seconds. Now that he stood in front of it though his hand would not move to knock, it was too busy trembling with fear about the fate that lay for him beyond that door.  
‘Gryffindor? Great fucking choice Sorting Hat, can’t even knock on a door. Some fucking Gryffindor’ Remus thought darkly yet still his hand didn’t budge, he couldn’t knock on this door. All his bravery on the walk here was gone with Sirius and he just wanted to run as far as he could, yet like his hand his feet also refused to move, he was froze in place.

“Please come in Mr. Lupin” The voice of Dumbledore was now saying as the door magically opened. Dumbledore was sat behind his desk looking straight towards him and Professor McGonagall was stood by his desk. All eyes were on him and he felt like he was looking upon the eyes of his judge and jury. The chair Professor McGonagall was gesturing towards for him to sit in became a guillotine to his mind, a Silver blade glistening with crimson. 

He managed one large step forward before his body gave up, he couldn’t handle this, His body simply collapsed beneath him. He had promised himself no more tears, yet he failed miserably as his eyes worked like his feet and hands, completely independently from his mind. 

He felt a hand land on his shoulder, gentle yet sturdy. Looking up through the wet haze at Professor McGonagall he could only manage to speak one word.

“Please”

“Mr Lupin, come now and take a seat, not all is as lost as you believe it to be” Headmaster Dumbledore Spoke as Professor McGonagall said no words but gently wrapped her arm around his shoulders and helped him too his seat.

He could not speak, he dare not even try. He just sat perfectly still like a deer caught in the headlights, awaiting it’s inevitable fate.

“Dear boy I made a promise to your parents nearly 7 years ago now, are you aware of what this promise was?” Dumbledore spoke not as if he expected an answer, though it was a question the man seemed to know Remus would be incapable of saying anything coherent. Remus simply remained as he was, partially wrapped in McGonagall’s arms and completely terrified of the two people he respected more than anyone.

“I promised you would have a safe home at Hogwarts and although this was not an unbreakable vow I take my promises very seriously. Do you understand?” Remus dumbly nodded his head positively to this, though if pushed he’d have to admit that he had no clue as to what the man was getting at, surely he couldn’t be allowed to remain at Hogwarts with his secret known.

“I fear however that your home at Hogwarts would no longer be safe should I allow those particular students to have knowledge of your condition.” Dumbledore said, and Remus couldn’t help but wonder why he was going through this whole explanation just to tell him to leave.

With as much courage as he could muster he finally found his voice.  
“Will I.. I have time to p.. pack a few things Sir? Only I’d very m.. much like to.. to grab my.. my books and photos.. for the journey” 

“I think you’ll find Mr. Lupin that would be entirely unnecessary” Dumbledore said voice attempting to be reassuring. Remus however interpreted this as he’d be immediately sent to the gallows, which is why what Dumbledore said next shocked him so completely.

“Mr’s Avery, Mulciber and Rosier memories have been altered, they do not recall you’re scars as a bite pattern”

“Pardon?! W..w..Why?” Remus was stunned by this.

“I do not believe in punishing victims Mr. Lupin, You were a victim of an attack” Dumbledore informed him before continuing his previous explanation “Now I have not removed their memories, simply altered them, they will remember scars just in a burn pattern, this way we can avoid having these memories triggered. Is this acceptable to you Mr. Lupin?”

“Yes! Yes Sir! Thank you Sir!” Remus spouted so quickly that had he not said it himself he would have not caught the words. Then something else occurred to him about what Dumbledore was saying.  
“I’m not going to be put down or expelled?” He asked with trepidation.

“Goodness No!” Came in the Scottish drawl of McGonagall, Shock clear in her voice.

“You will face no further consequences for this Mr. Lupin” Dumbledore reassured.

“Now with that out of the way, I suppose we should discuss your hearing if you’d like?” Dumbledore stared straight at him with a look of utmost seriousness that didn’t belong on his kind face in Remus’ opinion. Remus was almost to busy with registering that he was going to be okay to catch the question, However he unfortunately did still catch it.  
‘Ugh, can’t I just avoid thinking about it and focus on being able to stay here’ Remus thought but he’d never dare say that, so he simply nodded his consent.

Dumbledore spouted on for what felt like hours to Remus as he half listened. Mostly it was the same stuff Pomfrey had told him, unsure if he’d be able to hear in a few months, blah, blah, blah, Don’t know what caused it, blah, blah, something about the difficulties of being a deaf student at Hogwarts. Remus didn’t want to know, yet the politeness his parents impressed upon him prevailed and he kindly nodded and answered when required.

It wasn’t until Professor McGonagall was walking him back to the dorms that it hit him.

‘Wait! What?! Deaf? No one had said anything about being deaf before, was he going to be deaf? Oh Merlin did Pomfrey say he’d go deaf? Why didn’t he listen?!’ His thoughts reeled as he walked to the dorms.

The should have expelled him, how could he be a deaf werewolf at Hogwarts? And then there was that other thing, the thing that made him feel all weird and giddy every time Sirius touched him, No that wasn’t a thing if he didn’t want it to be, he had enough on his plate without adding THAT, Merlin his parent’s won the lottery with him didn’t they.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What two chapters in one day, I feel accomplished :) Once again please let me know what you think, I've never actually written before just always been a reader so it means a lot to me! - Myka


	6. Stupid Games and Self Blame

Remus was exhausted and it felt like he had been for weeks, if someone told him that it was only this morning that he’d woken up in the hospital wing He’d probably not believe them. He was so drained, he just wanted to sleep for a month and if they weren’t up there probably waiting on an update he’d have run straight up to his bed the second McGonagall said goodnight. Instead his ascent up the stairs to their dorm came to him slowly.

He opened the door to the dorm expecting Sirius, James and Pete to start barraging him with questions instantly, what he found however were 3 beds with maroon curtains drawn tightly shut. He felt an enormous sense of relief at this as he started to get ready for bed, shedding his hospital pajamas for a pair of his own clean sleeping clothes before climbing straight into his bed. He had planned on falling soundly asleep the minute his head hit the pillow, yet he didn’t, in fact he found himself getting more and more pissed off.  
‘Why the hell aren’t they asking me what happened? They can’t seriously have gone to bed, can they?’ His brain continued asking him these questions until he finally gave in.

“You’re honestly going to pretend to sleep and not ask me fuck all?!” he accused into the dark room.  
Next thing he knew James was pouncing on to his bed and Peter followed straight after, bouncing his body with the speed of their arrival.

“Of Course not Moony! We were just waiting on Pads bed for you to say something!” James spouted cheerier then a toddler who’d gotten into the sugar jar, bouncing slightly on Remus' bed before seeming to realize they were a Marauder short.

“Merlin Padfoot, quit being mopey and get over here! I told you he’d come back!” James now shouted into the darkness. Sirius unlike the others arrived slowly, once he did his eyes were firmly on the ground as he stood at the end of the bed with a book clutched in his arms. It was the kind of arrival everyone would expect of Remus, not the energy filled Sirius. Never the less Remus tried to dismiss it as he answered their questions and recounted the tale of what happened in Dumbledore’s office (though he left out the bits where he cried or lost all his bravery).

“What about your hearing” Sirius spoke for the first time after he was done his story, looking now at the book he held.

“What’s with the book?” Remus asked hoping to get the conversation away from his hearing. Sirius held the book out to him finally making eye contact with Remus. Remus took the book and turned on the small light that sat on the table beside his bed, his attempts to change the topic were completely foiled once he read the title of the book ‘Hearing Loss and The Muggle Art of Hand Talking’ was slapped across the cover. 

“Oh” was all Remus was able to say as he ran his hand across the cover. They were all silent and Remus guessed they were waiting on him to answer Sirius’ question. Remus really didn’t want to talk about it or even think about it, he’d forgotten his talk with Pomfrey while he was consumed with fear over the discovery of his secret, but now that Dumbledore had reassured him of his safety his hearing was all he could think about.  
“Pomfrey said I might lose it, she doesn’t know” 

“Isn’t she like a top healer? How can she not know?” Pete asked him. Peter had a tendency to believe anyone good at magic could do anything, He believed anything could be fixed and the only factor of whether or not it would be was the skill of the involved parties. So where as this question would have pissed Remus off had it been posed by the others, coming from Peter he took it as genuine shock.

“Even Pomfrey can’t fix everything Pete” Remus couldn’t look at them as he answered, he fiddled with the blankets on the bed, examining the patterns as if they were new to him. If anyone knew the limitations of magical healing it was Remus.

“How bad is it now? You’ve not heard me a few times already” Sirius asked him, his eyes that Remus had craved to look at earlier now shone upon him with such intensity that Remus now wished he’d look away.

“Hey! He’s heard me every time!” James celebrated as if that meant that Remus’ hearing wasn’t even slightly dulled.

“That’s cause you’re louder than a mandrake you giant burk!” Sirius yelled at him as he threw some sort of projectile at James’ head.

“I’m not sure really, I kind of forgot about it in the midst of well, well everything.. Shall we test it then?” Remus inquired partly to stop the impromptu wrestling match between James and Sirius that had begun at the end of his bed. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you looked at it, this started a game not dissimilar to ‘The Penis Game’ in reverse where the Marauders shouted vulgar words at him in increasingly quieter volumes and different distances, prompting a visit from a 7th year to tell them to keep it down during the earlier stages of the game and the subsequent memory that they’d neglected to place a silencing spell on the door. Remus was actually enjoying himself and laughing along with the dirty words they’d yell at him, that he almost didn’t notice Sirius sat at the end of his bed not participating in the game, almost.

Their game ended once Remus fell asleep in the middle of telling them he couldn’t hear whatever they were saying, and they all submitted to going to bed. All except one who remained sat like a bodyguard at the end of Remus’ bed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“STOP!.. Please Don’t!... REMUS!!”

Cries shook Remus from his sleep startling him awake. Disoriented he had no idea where they were coming from or from whom, until another came from the direction of his feet.

“Remus! Please! No Remus!”

Less loud this time but now clear to Remus who it was and from where it came. Remus bent towards the bawling figure curled up by his feet, he almost wanted to leave him alone so he could hear more in the hopes he’d learn more of what happened but the shaking and tears were too much for him to bare coming from Sirius.

“Padfoot, wake up.. you’re having a bad dream Sirius” He said gently nudging the boy’s shoulder. Sirius’ eyes were suddenly upon him and the pain Remus saw in them was so intense that the sight caused himself considerable pain. Remus didn’t have long to muse on it though as his body was instantaneously being wrapped in the arms of Sirius Black, So quick was Sirius’ launch that they both fell back into a laying position. Remus almost was delighted at the feel of Sirius’ face against his neck, and would have been had it not been for the rattling shakes of the boy on top of him and the wetness pooling against his neck.  
“Sirius” He whispered into the long black hair surrounding his face, his own arms wrapping around Sirius’ shaking body. His heart hurt to feel Sirius in this state, yet he couldn’t deny another feeling he tried to push down as his arms rubbed up and down Sirius’ back in a calming manner. Sirius’ state remained as wrecked for several minutes as Remus rubbed his back trying hard to ignore the way his muscles felt under his hands.  
‘Merlin what is wrong with me? My best friend is obviously upset and I’m thinking about his body. Could I be more fucked up? he’s a man, I shouldn’t be feeling enjoyment being held by him’ Remus chastised himself, feeling so wrong inside for thinking about Sirius this way.

“Rem, I’m so sorry” Remus felt the words more than heard them as Sirius mumbled against his neck. Why Sirius who had protected him solo against 3 others would be apologizing to him he had no clue.

“Why are you sorry Sirius? From what I’ve been told I should be thanking you, not accepting your apologies” He told Sirius as his hand started to wander up and down the bare skin of Sirius’ arm. Remus was getting really sick of this whole disobeying limbs thing but he couldn’t stop his hand as it stroked over the smooth yet firm muscles of Sirius’ upper arm. He really should focus on Sirius’ words, this was important and that thing he was feeling was just plain wrong wasn’t it?

“I should have protected you, I shouldn’t have let them find out.. It doesn’t matter who cursed you or with what, if you lose your hearing.. It’ll be my fault” Sirius’ sorrow evident in his voice as he spoke a bit louder this time so ensure Remus heard him. It broke Remus’ heart to hear Sirius blame himself and although he knew there was nothing he could say tonight to take away the guilt Sirius felt, He found himself whispering that It wasn’t his fault and telling him that It’ll be okay, over and over until he felt Sirius breath even out into the slow deep breathing of sleep. 

There he laid wrapped in Sirius’ arms as sleep engulfed him as well.


	7. A Day In Bed With A Good Book

Remus woke up in a tangle of blankets noticing two things, one he was completely alone and two the persistent ringing in his ears was gone. The latter he was pretty happy about, all day yesterday he’d had the ringing present which agitated him to no end, the former however made him feel a great sense of loneliness. He had fallen asleep in Sirius’ arms and was glad to be spared the awkwardness of waking up like that, however he found himself craving the warmth of Sirius’ body. He couldn’t hear the chatter of the Marauders outside of his curtains, therefore he assumed they had gone to breakfast without him. He decided he might as well get up and shower for the day, not that he planned on doing anything except perhaps reading a book. 

‘Thank god it’s Saturday’ He thought as the water of his shower felt too soothing on his tired body to think about leaving any time soon. However it wasn’t his only thoughts, he’d woken up thinking of the others and kept trying to push them away since but everything reminded him. The sound of the shower, usually relaxing was now so dulled that it sounded like it was the muffled sound of someone else taking a shower through a bathroom door, and then there was Sirius, perfect bloody Sirius. The way his arms felt wrapped around his body, the way his hair smelt being so close to his face, the way his muscles felt under his wandering hands. Remus couldn’t help his body’s reaction too the line of thought, but he told himself it was wrong and refused to acknowledge his now rather prominent reaction.

Remus finished his shower feeling rather more tense then it began, probably in part due to him turning the water as cold as he could. He was grumpy and grumbling to himself by the time he made it back to his dorm, planning on a lay in bed alone and do nothing but read kind of day. 

The fates must have had it in for him though because as he reached his bed, the door to the dorm slammed open and Peter Pettigrew came in.

“Moony! You’re up! I got your breakfast!” He was shouting at him as he dumped food all over the bed Remus had so carefully set this morning. 

“Merlin Wormtail, you don’t need to shout” Remus rubbed his hand over his face with exasperation as he spoke to Peter

“Oh, uh sorry, didn’t know if you’d hear me.. You told us that Pomfrey said your hearing would get worse” He informed Remus as if though Remus had not remembered and should require shouting a mere 24 hours after.

“Not overnight Pete.. anyways, thanks for breakfast” Remus though not enjoying that his breakfast was now making a mess of his bed, was very grateful for the food as he didn’t think he’d eaten at all yesterday. 

He and Peter sat on his bed enjoying the haul which was primarily chocolate based items(muffins, croissants, even a chocolate tart thing), when they were interrupted by a knock on the door. Peter answered it, seeming to know that Remus wouldn’t be in the mood to talk to anyone beside the Marauders. Unfortunately for Remus nothing was going his way today and with the knock came a note for him from Pomfrey requesting his presents in the hospital wing.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Remus was standing just outside of the hospital wing’s doors when he heard shouting coming from within

“That can’t be all you can do!”

“What’s the point of even having a healer if you can’t fix anything!”

“I WON’T CALM DOWN! UNTIL YOU FIX IT!”

Remus could only hear the shouted part of the conversation, but he knew that voice as if it were his own. Remus opened the door to the hospital wing to be greeted by the sight of James Potter trying and failing to drag Sirius Black the owner of the yelling voice, out of the hospital wing and the very red faced Madam Pomfrey. 

He cleared his throat to get the trio’s attention, prompting them to all turn and stare at him. Whatever he interrupted was obviously about him if the looks were anything to go by. 

“Mr. Lupin, Glad you received my memo” Pomfrey was the first to stop staring and speak. “Now Mr. Potter and Mr. Black, Get out” She didn’t say it harshly, but her inflection obviously implied they weren’t to argue with her.

“But..” Sirius started only to be cut off with a very firm “Out!” from Pomfrey.

“Tell us later, k Moons?” James asked him as the two left, James arm wrapped around Sirius’ shoulder protectively as they left. Remus watched them leave trying to figure out what had Sirius yelling so loudly, he supposed it must be about him but still Sirius seemed rather disproportional upset.

“Mr. Lupin, I’d like to do some more tests and get some projections on your hearing loss, if you don’t mind” Pomfrey asked straightening out her uniform and going right back to business. She was like that, everything the boys did she just brushed off and went straight back to work as if it were nothing and if he were honest he’d have to admit it was incredibly impressive considering the trouble the Marauders caused her.

He spent a good two hours with Pomfrey doing all kinds of tests and talking about treatments. In the end it came down to if he weren’t a werewolf there would be 0 chance his ears would heal, because he was she didn’t know and she was not sure if it’d be a total loss or partial, the only things new he’d learned was after quite a few tests was that his hearing loss was not the result of a curse but of a traumatic brain injury. This was important to know because had it been a curse, if they could figure out what curse then she could possibly fix it. She had also determined that since yesterday he’d already had a slight decline in his hearing, making her projections for total loss should it occur to be within the month. For now he was stuck with the wait and see option.  
‘wait and see if you’ll be a deaf werewolf, or just a hard of hearing werewolf.. great, wonderful fucking options there’.

Remus headed out of the hospital wing with 3 books, two on hand talking, and one on lip reading, and an appointment with Pomfrey the following day. He was feeling like perhaps today was no longer a lay in bed and read kind of day and more of a lay in bed and sulk kind of day, either way, bed.

“Let’s go” He said as he stepped out the door to his waiting friends, he knew they’d be there and wasn’t a bit surprised to find them waiting. Remus’ walked in silence with them, he guessed they most likely listened to his whole conversation with Pomfrey, and they asked no questions which confirmed his suspicions. James tried a couple of times to engage him in conversation, but he just didn’t feel up to it, so he remained quiet and listened to James and Sirius as they rattled on about some future prank plan.

They arrived to the common room to find Peter waiting for them, James and Sirius joined him flopping down on chairs by the fire. Remus had made plans with his bed, but once he saw them get settled in the common room he found he rather didn’t feel like being alone. So he gave up on his plans of bed and curled up with one of the books Pomfrey gave him and listened to his friends talk. He didn’t really read the book at all, he just listened to their voices: Peter’s mildly squeaky and very timid sounding voice, the way his laugh started out almost shy but gathered confidence with every second. James’ deep and clear voice that dripped confidence with every syllable, the way James’ laugh could make you smile even on your worst day. Sirius’ aristocratic posh voice that though smooth still held a defiant sound to it, and Sirius’ laugh.. Sirius’ laugh was clear, confident and with his friends sounded completely care free. 

He was trying to memorize every aspect of their voices, he couldn’t fathom his life without these voices, These voiced surrounded him for six years, they comforted him after full moons when he was too hurt to see their faces, he heard these voices when he woke up in the mornings and when he went to bed at night. He didn’t want to imagine life without being able to hear them, and he wasn’t sure he’d want to live a life without the sound of Sirius’ laugh.


	8. Dorm Room Confessional

The Marauders had moved up to their dorm at some point, deciding to forgo lunch and instead pig out on the food Peter had stolen from the kitchens earlier. 

Eventually Peter demanded to be caught up on what happened in the hospital wing and the other three boys filled him in about Remus’ hearing. Sirius and James mentioned nothing about the argument he’d walked in on, and Remus’ curiosity got the better of him.

“Why were you yelling at Pomfrey when I came in?” Remus finally asked Sirius. Sirius’ though he’d rarely made eye contact with Remus since he’d woken up in the hospital seemed to act as if looking at Remus would cause him to catch on fire after Remus asked, he was looking wildly around the room as far away from Remus as possible, until he seemed to land his eyes on James. 

“Uh well.. uh.. Sirius has the clap?” James’ stumbled out dumbly, in a completely see through lie.

“Merlin James! Even muggles can cure that!” Sirius face palmed at this, before adding with an outraged voice “I have no sexually transmitted diseases!”

All hopes of interrogation were lost at that as they burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter. 

“How do.. how do you, Honestly Prongs how do you even know what The Clap is?” Pete managed to hold down his laughter just long enough to get the question out, unfortunately the question itself caused a second round of laughter. 

“Well I don’t actually.. Just heard my aunt talking about some friend of hers” James informed them, which rather than leading to asking why James had lied in the first place, lead in a very different direction onto the topic of muggle diseases. Remus and Peter were then forced to explain all manner of muggle sexually transmit diseases to their pure blood friends, and though Sirius had apparently heard of The Clap (from an ex girlfriend) he really had no clue about anything else. 

They were in the dorm talking and just generally being ridiculous for most of the day. Remus enjoyed just being with them and making dumb jokes, he didn’t want to bring back up the topic of Sirius’ argument again in case it broke the levity in the room. He did notice that Sirius’ eyes still had not returned to him at any point, but as with so many things lately he choose to ignore it. 

At some point during a conversation about possibly seeing if they could hex Snape to only say “I’ve got the clap” for a day, the exhaustion from the previous days events caused Remus to drift off into a light sleep. He only noticed he had drifted off when he felt the weight of the others move off his bed and felt a blanket being placed upon him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Remus must have been asleep for a while as when he finally opened his eyes the room was dark except for a small light by one of the beds, the bed which he determined to be James’ by the location had it’s curtains drawn. He planned on going to see if James wanted to sneak into the kitchens if he was still up when a voice stopped him.

“I can’t tell him that! For fucks sake James imagine how he’d react” came Sirius’ voice from the direction of the light, he sounded frustrated and Remus could almost hear a hint of sadness. 

“Fine Sirius, instead just keep avoiding looking at him and yelling at staff members like it’s going to resolve anything” James’ sarcasm was almost palpable in his response. Remus knew from his reply that this was about him, and he couldn’t help but listen and hope they wouldn’t notice how loud they were being. 

“You don’t get it! You didn’t see his face, he was broken and what I did, god dammit James I did this too him!” Sirius was practically yelling at James now, which Remus had to guess James mentioned as he heard nothing but Sirius’ next words.

“Oh come on! It’s Moony, he’s slept through a Gryffindor Quidditch after party, I don’t think some talking is gonna wake him” Sirius was right of course, had he been asleep he wouldn’t have heard a thing, only he wasn’t asleep so he had to bite his tongue to avoid commenting on that. Witty comment aside he had to know what it was that Sirius did to him.

“I still think you should tell him, it’s getting awkward Sirius! And he’s not going to blame you.. it still could’ve been a curse, you don’t know for sure” James reassured, obviously trying to calm Sirius down.

“You heard Pomfrey too! She said it was a brain injury! I did that James! I fucking pushed him! He’s going to go deaf, and I fucking caused it, How the hell am I supposed to live with that?” Remus had to slam his hand against his mouth to prevent from gasping as he heard Sirius’ confession.  
‘It couldn’t be true, Sirius wouldn’t hurt me.. would he?’ Remus didn’t have long to think on it before they were speaking again.

“You didn’t have a choice Padfoot, we all know you’d never hurt Moony” James continued in a calming voice that Remus had to strain to hear, though it wasn’t overly quiet, James’ really didn’t have a quiet voice unless he was up to mischief. He knew James was comforting Sirius, but his words unbeknownst to him were a massive comfort to Remus as well.

“But I did Prongs.. You weren’t there.. You didn’t... you didn’t hear it.” Sirius’ voice came out jumbled as if he were fighting back tears as he said this.  
‘Hear what? How did Sirius hurt me? What the even hell happened in that room?’ Remus’ thoughts reeled over what wasn’t being said.

“I know, I know, but you HAD to, you did the right thing Pads” James’ said with something that sounded like resigned confidence in his response.

“I nearly killed him James! Don’t you get that? I’ve damaged him for life and I nearly fucking killed him again!” It was obvious Sirius was crying now as he yelled, his words not angry but filled with a deep sorrow.

“And if you hadn’t pushed him he wouldn’t have survived! The only reason we have him here now is because you did!” James’ statement came and shattered any illusions of what Remus thought could have happened.

“It doesn’t matter James, It’s my fault if he goes deaf.. he can never know that.. He’d never talk to me again.. and I can’t.. I couldn’t live with that” Sirius confessed.

“Sirius, it’s not..” James started but was cut off.

“No James, just stop.. you don’t understand.. imagine you heard Lily’s head smashing into the ground after a 15ft drop and you pushed her.. you can’t even imagine the sound James, let alone how it felt to think I’d killed him. I love him so fucking much and I.. I.. I” Sirius’ voice dissolved into sobs and he said nothing more, but even if he had Remus wouldn’t have heard it, he couldn’t handle it, he couldn't stay there any longer. Suddenly like he had yesterday morning, he ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I was going to wait until tomorrow to post this chapter.. but I'm a very impatient person and well it was done, really I just had to, so here it is! Hope you guys like it! - Myka


	9. Red Heads to the Rescue

Remus was yet again running through the corridors of Hogwarts, at least this time he was fully clothed. This time though it was after curfew and his manic run involved dodging Prefects and Filch. The mania of it however meant that his dodging wasn’t as skillful as usual, which he became aware of as he ran head first into someone knocking them and himself to the ground.

“What the bloody fucking hell do you think your bloody well... Remus?”

Lily freaking Evans, he ran straight into Lily Evans, not just ran into her but knocked her straight on her arse. James would kill him if he saw the way he landed on top of Lily. With this in mind he quickly jumped back to his feet, thinking about just starting to run again but leaving her here on the floor no matter the state he was in wasn’t something he could do. So he did the gentlemanly thing and offered her a hand up, which she accepted.

“From or towards?” She asked him as she wiped the dirt off her uniform.

“Huh?” came his oh so intelligent reply before he could stop it.

“Are you running from something or towards something? Something has you in a mad dash through the hallways, so is it from or towards?” She didn’t sound mad at all, which kind of surprised him as he remembered the time James had pushed Pete and he’d fell on to Lily, she had cursed at him with words even Remus’ potty mouth wouldn’t have uttered. Then again he and Lily had a very different relationship than the other Marauders did with her.

“From” He managed to break from his thoughts to say, after an inappropriately long time.

“Follow me then” Lily said as she started walking, never glancing back to see if he followed her or not. She walked up a flight of stairs and through several hallways and he followed blindly wherever she was headed. It wasn’t until they passed the statue of Boris the Bewildered the he even had an inkling of a clue to where they were going. Once he saw it though he thought not for the first time since coming to Hogwarts ‘Lily is a fucking genus’.

Lily gave the door before them the password and in he followed her to the Prefects bathroom.

“Do they know the password?” She asked knowing that Remus told the Marauders nearly everything, especially if he wasn’t supposed to.

“And ruin the only space I can be alone? No, much to their chagrin they don’t know.. yet” He had to add the yet because he knew he’d give in to them eventually. Just the idea of Sirius and him in the bath together was enough to make him want to tell them. Ugh he had to get his brain to stop doing that asap.

“How did you know I was running from them? And why were you out in the hallways?” Remus asked attempting to figure out how she’d have known the one and only place they wouldn’t be able to come find him, sure they’d know he was there but they wouldn’t be able to come in.

“First of all, see this badge? Some of us Actually show up for prefect duties” Lily tapped on her prefect duties, and oh shit he was supposed to be with her tonight.  
“Second of all Of Course it’s them” Lily concluded.

“Well uh, thanks” he was actually so incredible thankful for her, but it merely came out in a dismissive manner.

“Don’t just thank me, Dish” She demanded, and after all she did kinda deserve it for saving him. On a normal day he would have happily told her what was going on in his life, but today wasn’t normal.

“I really just don’t want to talk about it” he tried, even adding “Can you please respect that”

“Remus, that isn’t how this works. I save your ass and you tell me why, that’s the deal” Lily’s arms crossing over her chest as she told him, it was obvious that he wasn’t going to get away with telling her nothing. He decided to tell her a few half truths, and see if she’d let him get away with that, but when he opened his mouth, something very different was suddenly pouring out.

“I’m gonna be deaf” and there is was, the straw that broke the camel's back. Remus admitted it completely for the first time right then, and with that he couldn’t stop. Everything from the last two days came pouring out of his mouth, even the parts he wished wouldn’t like McGonagall having to guide him up off the floor, or the way he felt when he fell asleep with Sirius. It was all just so much and he was laying everything on to Lily’s shoulders. Lily to her credit, patiently listened and nodded when required, just letting him get everything out. He was sure that when he finished she’d be staring at him like he had two head, but when he did and looked at her she had tears in her eyes and a look of sympathy painted on her face.

“Oh, Remus” She was all she said back, wrapping her arms tightly around him. Remus though he was the one who’d been damaged found himself for a second time in as many day comforting someone. He did the same thing he did for Sirius and rubbed her back soothingly, however this time he felt nothing, the feel of her body in his arms did nothing but comfort his sorrow a bit. 

“You need to talk to him” Lily pulled back from their embrace to look him dead in the eye as she said it.

“Where would I even start? I don’t even know half of what they were talking about!” Remus didn’t even want to imagine how that conversation would go, let alone consider having it. He knew he needed to soon but the idea still terrified him.  
“Plus he made it pretty clear he doesn’t want me to know what really happened” he added.

“Shut Up!” Lily was suddenly shouting towards they direction of the door.  
“Sorry, not you. If that moron doesn’t stop begging to be let in and knocking on the door, I’m going to kill him” She reassured him as she gave a murderous look towards the door. Now that Lily had informed him of the noises he couldn’t hear through the sturdy prefect’s bathroom door, he knew exactly who she was referring too.

“He’s out there? Merlin Lily, look at me! How can I talk to him?" He really didn't expect this conversation to be this soon, in hindsight he really should have. 

“He’s been knocking every minute or so for the last half hour, You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to, If you want I can let him in or we can just camp out here until he goes away. It’s completely your choice” Lily advised him, it was obvious that the former option worried her but he knew that she would respect his choice no matter what it was.

“It could be a long wait, he’s pretty stubborn.” Remus laughed at the thought of out waiting a determined Sirius Black. On a normal day Sirius had the attention span of a gnat, but when he wanted something bad enough he could out stubborn a bull.

“I’ve got no plans” Lily told him with a cheeky kind of smile on her face, he got the feeling she’d rather enjoy trying to out stubborn Sirius. They were more alike then either would ever admit, in fact they’d probably die before they’d admit it. 

As fun as it sounded to sit and wait for two of the worlds most obstinate people to out wait each other, he didn’t want to live in the prefect’s bathroom. He really wasn't ready for the conversation that came on the other side of the door with Sirius, but he never really would be. 

“No, let him in.. you’re right we need to talk” He told her, then watched as she hesitantly got up to walk to the door.   
“and Lily, Thank you.. I needed this” and he meant every word of it. She nodded back to him before quickly opening the door to the sight of a very disheveled Sirius Black tumbling straight in. Lily must have guessed he was leaning against the door (Probably trying to ease drop), as her speed in opening the door seemed deliberate and he may have caught a smile plastered on her face as she stepped over Sirius’ body on her way out.


	10. Sometimes Lies Are Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So should i actually give people time to read my story before posting another chapter? of course! am i going to? nope! I just really wanted to get this chapter up right away.. also here's where any warnings come into play, nothing crazy graphic, just heavy topic.. Please let me know what you think and I hope you enjoy this chapter! - Myka

Sirius moved with grace even out of the dumbest of situations, where as anyone would normally look like a buffoon trying to get off a floor they’d suddenly fell on, Sirius hopped in one swift movement somehow regaining his cool exterior almost instantly. Remus was always dorky and clumsy, he often wondered why someone as graceful as Sirius would be so happily seen with someone like him. 

Sirius didn’t say anything to him after his arrival, and he wasn’t about to start any kind of conversation with Sirius right now. So they stood there, having some kind of stand off of awkwardness. To Remus it felt like hours just watching Sirius as he stared at his feet, but it was probably only a few seconds.

“Rem, I’m sorry” Sirius finally spoke, he sounded genuine but it was quite a bit too little too late and Remus felt the recently very familiar sensation of rage building within him.

“What for Sirius? Because I heard you, or because you lied?! Or maybe you’re sorry because you disabled me? Is that it Sirius?! Is that why you’re sorry or is it because I happened to survive?! Because I for one am starting to think that maybe you want me to die!” Remus knew what was coming out of his mouth wasn’t even a little bit fair, but once he started he couldn’t stop himself. He just screamed all of his frustrations out onto Sirius.

“Why the fuck won’t you just tell me what happened? You’re full of shit Sirius! Every bloody thing that comes out of your mouth is a bullshit lie! Why the hell should I believe your sorry, when I can’t even believe you to tell me the truth! You’re just another fucking Black!” That was it, he lost it and his rage dissolved, he couldn’t believe what he’d just said to his best friend, it didn’t seem like that strong of an insult, but he knew that to Sirius this was the worse thing he could say. It wasn’t something he believed, it was simply designed to hurt Sirius and by the look on Sirius’ face he knew he had hit his mark.

Sirius started to walk towards him, and Remus remained in placing bowing his head in acceptance of the punch he was sure was coming. No punch came though. Strong arms instead wrapped around him, as their owner crumbled by his feet. Sirius bawled at his feet, arms slipping down to hug his legs. Remus was stunned, Sirius had been full of surprises the last couple of days. He felt bad for what he said but he still wanted to be angry at Sirius, yet he couldn’t manage it as his hand disobeyed him and wandered to smooth down Sirius hair.

“I’m sorry Sirius, I didn’t mean that” Remus found himself saying, he didn’t know why he felt the need to make Sirius feel better but he did.

“Stop Remus, Don’t apologize to me.. I’m scum, What I did to you..” Sirius voice was so tormented as he spoke that whatever last shreds of anger Remus held onto were lost at the sound of Sirius’ voice.

“Please Sirius, just tell me what happened.. The truth this time. I need to know” Remus implored as he tried to finagle himself into a seated position while Sirius refused to unwrap his arms from around him. Sirius held onto him like he was worried Remus would vanish forever if he let go for a second.

“I can’t..” Sirius started to say, but Remus wasn’t about the accept another half truth from him.

“No Sirius, I deserve to know, I NEED to know what really happened” Remus interrupted his excuses, if Sirius wasn’t here to explain then no manner of upset was going to sway him to allow Sirius to stay this time.

“Just give me a minute okay?” Sirius asked tears still evident in his voice, and Remus wasn’t about to deny him this request. 

“I.. uh.. How much did you hear? When Me and James were talking” Sirius eventually spoke, having to clear his throat to cleanse the tearful sound from his voice.

“Not too much, Something about you pushing me and James saying you had no choice.. a few other odds and ends, nothing conclusive” Remus informed, he choose to leave out any mention of the last words he had heard.. now wasn’t the time, and really he didn’t know what Sirius even meant by them.

“Okay.. um well, this might be a.. well there’s a lot I didn’t tell you” This was obviously hard for Sirius and he was tripping over his words in a way Remus wouldn’t normally expect from him.

“I kind of gathered that” Remus had known Sirius was lying from the beginning, he didn’t need any reminders.

“Well, the first bit was true.. You weren’t at dinner, so I looked on the map, saw you with Them and came running” Sirius spat out the word ‘Them’ like it was a curse word in itself.

“They were beating you up pretty good, but you weren’t passed out.. You were bleeding pretty badly from your nose though.. I came in and started hexing them, but Avery ran up on me while I was distracted. Next thing I know me and him are fighting, I punched him and I could feel his nose break under my fist..” Sirius paused only for breath, it seemed to Remus like he was rushing to get this out, like if he stopped talking he’d not be able to continue.

“I was paying too much attention to kicking Avery’s ass, I didn’t see Rosier and Mulciber gang up on you.. not until Avery was down clutching his bloody nose. They were kicking you when I saw them, Rosier was kicking you in the ribs and Mulciber was kicking your back.. I was going to beat the crap out of them, but Rosier yanked you up by your hair and held his wand to your head.. I couldn’t save you” Sirius took a deep breath trying to calm himself down as his body shook from the story he told.

“Your shirt got ripped at some point in the struggle before, and your scar was right out in the open, now that they held you upwards.. I think I must have gasped or something when I saw it, because suddenly they weren’t focused on me anymore... Suddenly Mulciber was saying he knew what kind of a bite left that scar” Another deep calm down breath and straight back to his story, it was clearly obvious he needed this out in one now.

“Rosier threw you to the ground as if you’d burnt him, and they all booked it.. but not before Mulciber said his disgusting bit about you being a dirty half breed monster who deserved to die” Sirius seemed to conclude his story as his arms wrapped somehow tighter around Remus and he added one last statement to it.  
“You’re not, and you don’t” 

Remus had to drink this all in slowly, it took him awhile before he even realized that this was just a longer version of the story Sirius had told him before.  
“Sirius, how did I fall?”  
“I’m getting there okay?.. I just.. it’s hard” Sirius told him as he unwrapped his arms from Remus and shuffled slightly away. Remus felt that strange sense of warmth leaving his body as it was no longer wrapped in Sirius’ arms, it wasn’t so much a temperature kind of warmth, but a deep internal warmth, and he missed it, craved it in fact the second it was gone.

“You.. You freaked.. you started screaming and crying about how they were right... you told me that now.. now that they knew.. you said you were.. you were dead anyways” Sirius was barely getting this out, his breath were more of gasps and he fought back the tears to continue.

“then suddenly..You were so calm... you almost seemed peaceful..like you solved the problem.. you just.. you just walked to your potions kit.. which.. I guess got spilled by the stairs in.. in the fight.. you grabbed the silver knife and you.. you told me ‘Goodbye’.. That’s it Remus, just Goodbye! Like.. like.. I.. meant.. nothing to.. to you!” Sirius stopped as his body was overwhelmed by his emotions, he had nearly choked out the last sentence and Remus could hardly make it out. Remus was flabbergasted, he couldn’t speak, if he tried he was sure nothing would come but a squeaking noise. 

“You held the knife to your throat.. and I.. I couldn’t think Remus.. I didn’t see the drop, I Promise.. Merlin I promise I didn’t see it, I swear on everything I have!” Sirius started back up in a rush, he was pushing himself to finish the story even though Remus could see on his face the anguish every word caused him, and if Remus were honest every word was causing himself equal pain.

“I pushed you.. I just bloody pushed you.. I could’ve fought you for the knife.. but.. but I didn’t.. I pushed you and you didn’t land on the ground beside you... you stumbled and you.. you fell so far.. I pushed you.. and Merlin the sound... your head.. your head hit so fucking hard.. I.. I ran down to you and.. and the blood.. your head was bleeding so much.. I couldn’t.. the blood was just.. God Moony! I did this! I pushed you!” Sirius could no longer speak after he said that, he was being choked too much by his sobs. 

Remus didn’t know what to do with this information, had it been left up to his brain he’d have sat there silently for days. His body which so irritated him earlier with its disobeying ways was now his saving grace as it propelled him forward on autopilot, his arms reaching forward to grab Sirius and hold him like his life depended on it. Sirius’ arms wrapping instantly back around Remus, tight as if he were scared that if he didn’t Remus would disappear, and Remus realized now this was exactly what Sirius thought would happen.


	11. The Damaged and The Broken

Remus sat there wrapped in Sirius’ arms contemplating the story Sirius had just told him. Sirius was still shaking and gripping onto him as if his very life depended on it.

To say he was feeling bad about pushing Sirius to tell him would have been the understatement of the century, Remus felt like the biggest shit head in the world. Just thinking that Sirius was wrecked with guilt over something he’d done to save Remus’ life was too much for Remus, he had to fix it.  
“Sirius?”

“Hmm?” Was the only reply he received

“I don’t blame you” He personally thought this to be obvious, but he knew Sirius would need to hear it.

“You don’t?” Came the surprised reply from the boy attached to him.

“Not even a little bit, James was right, you did the right thing” He tried reassuring Sirius, he knew how thick Sirius’ skull could be when he made up his mind, Remus would just have to get through to him.

“Rem, I pushed you down an empty stairway and the fall caused you permanent damage.. How could that possible be the right thing?” Sirius moved slightly to look Remus in the eye as he asked this. In his eyes Remus would swear the pain he saw within them could melt the hardest of hearts.  
“I’m alive Sirius, I’m right here and I’m alive because of you” Remus felt Sirius needed a physical example of this, so he grabbed Sirius’ hand from off his side and placed it on his heart.  
“See?” he asked as he watched Sirius’ face follow his hand to stare at Remus’ chest. Something about the look of bafflement on Sirius’ face and the feel of Sirius’ hand under his on his chest caused his heart to beat even faster.

Sirius didn’t say anything as he just stared and occasionally moved his thumb slightly in a light stroking manner on Remus’ chest. Remus felt he could stay a life time like that, Sirius’ arms around him, hand placed gently on his chest, and Sirius’ gorgeous silver eyes directly focused on only him. He wanted Sirius’ arms to stay around him forever.

Suddenly it occurred to him like an epiphany what he was thinking. He’d had these thoughts before of course, but he’d refused to embrace them, they’d felt wrong and even a bit disgusting. This time they didn’t feel so wrong, how could it be wrong to feel so completed in his arms? 

He had never allowed himself to carry on this line of thinking before, he always tried to squish it down once it started. Maybe it was hearing Sirius say he’d loved him that caused the crack, but now that the flood gates were open there was no holding back his line of thought. He couldn’t stop his minds review of every time he’d thought differently of Sirius then the others or of every touch and smile that he’d feel something spark deep inside him. Finally it hit him like a ton of bricks.  
‘I love Sirius.. no I don’t just love him, I’m in love with him! Holy fucking gods, I’m completely fucking in love with him!’ He felt so dense that he was only understanding this now, his brain had given him so many clues and he’d just ignored them. Now he needed to know how Sirius had meant what he’d said, he just had to know now even if it wasn’t the best time for further deep conversation.

“Sirius, when you told James that you loved me, did you mean it as a friend?” He tried to phrase it in a way that would give Sirius an easy out if he wanted it and hopefully wouldn’t effect their friendship if he had meant it that way.

“No” was all Sirius said in reply.

The succinctness of his reply almost startled Remus leaving him with very little in the way of a response.  
“No?”

“No, Rem. I love you, I have for a long time” Sirius’ answer was so matter of fact it was like his was talking about what was for dinner, but his face told a completely different story as he stared at the hand still pressed to Remus’ chest. Remus couldn’t make out what the emotions playing on Sirius’ face were but he watched captivated as they danced across his face. Sirius’ face seemed to land on a sorrowful look as he drew his eyes up to look at Remus.

“How do I know you won’t do that again?” Sirius’ words confused Remus, he had no idea what Sirius meant by this question.

“Won’t do what Pads?” He questioned with a puzzled look upon his face. Hadn’t they been talking about whether or not Sirius loved him, that question couldn’t have been related.

“If I let go of you now, will you be here tomorrow? Or will I find you dead on the floor?” Sirius’ words were spoken with complete earnest and a profound amount of pain laced his voice. The guilt inside Remus bubbled and stewed in his stomach, he felt like he was going to puke as Sirius talked about this. He wanted Sirius to stop for today and let him recover from everything that had happened, but he knew the opportunity to have Sirius’ honest feeling laid out for him would be few and far between.

“What if someone finds out about you in the future? Will you kill yourself? What about when you have to register? How about if you lose your hearing completely?” Sirius continued his inquiry and Remus felt smaller and smaller with every passing word.

“I didn’t mean too, I don’t even remember doing it Sirius” Remus tried to reason, but his words coming out as small as he felt took the weight out of his argument.

“I know.. I’m not trying to blame you, I just can’t stop thinking about it, It would kill me Rem.. It almost did, just thinking about having to watch you slit your throat with that silver knife, god Remus I love you so much, and you.. you just said ‘Goodbye’ Rem, that’s it, in the end that was all I was worth to you.” Sirius seemed to finish with that, silent tears tracking down his cheeks. Remus’ thoughts were reeling 100 miles per hour, and he’d come to one very stark realization.  
‘I broke Sirius Black, that’s what Sirius was hiding.. That’s why James seemed worried to to leave him alone with me. I broke him, I caused this not him”

“Sirius.. I don’t know what to say” Remus wished the ground would swallow him whole.

“You wanna know the worst part?” Sirius asked seeming to get a second wind, and Remus really, really didn’t, because how could it get any worse.

“You were going to do it right there in front of me, you didn’t even hesitate. Now I can’t stop picturing that blade slicing you open.. I can feel your blood on my hands every time I close my eyes. I was watching my worse nightmare come to life in front of me and now it won’t leave” Sirius was silent again after he told Remus this, the tears he spilled had no audible sound, but still they tracked down his face. Remus prayed he was done through the silence.

“Then the kicker Rem, is that I don’t just constantly see you slitting your throat, I see myself pushing you and you bleeding out on the floor below me.. When you fell Rem, I honestly thought you were dead, I honestly thought I’d killed you.. Now I can’t stop seeing it all, I close my eyes and you’re dead either by my hand or your own” Sirius moved his hand from his chest to Remus’ face when he finished talking, he forced Remus’ eyes which had taken over Sirius’ guard of the floor, to meet his.

“I love you so much Rem, and I’m not trying to make you feel bad for what happened, I don’t want you to blame yourself for this, I just want to know if I’m going to end up losing you” Sirius ended his speech staring straight into Remus’ eyes and Remus really wanted to comfort him, he wanted to wipe out any trace of hurt from those eyes, but now was the time for truth, not pretty lies.

“I can’t guarantee you won’t Sirius, Merlin I wish I could, but I can’t, all I can tell you is that I don’t want to hurt you again.. My hearing is upsetting me, being a werewolf hurts and not just physically.. I’m not exactly okay, I’m not exactly stable, but I’m trying my best and I don’t plan on hurting myself, but if I feel that way again I will do everything in my power to talk to you.. Because you’re worth so much more to me than a ‘Goodbye’.” Remus was sure that Sirius wouldn’t be happy with what he’d said, yet when he looked into those beautiful eyes he could see some of their usual spark returning certainly sadness still coated them, but that tiny spark was enough to ignite him to say what he now knew he’d felt for years and just hadn’t allowed himself to feel.

“I love you Sirius.. no actually I don’t just love you, I’m head over fucking heels in love with you”.

Sirius lips were suddenly on his and he wasted no time in returning the kiss. Although it was salty from tears and a bit desperate in nature, it was the most fantastic thing Remus had ever felt in his life.


	12. Friendship Doesn't Fix Everything, But It Helps

When the two boys left the bathroom the sun was starting to come up, and through the windows they could see the night sky giving way to a crisp, clear beautiful sun rise. 

Sirius’ hand refused to leave Remus’ as they walked back to the dorm, but Remus didn’t complain. Sirius needed this anchor to him right now and he was happy to oblige. They were both exhausted and wanted to crash on their beds straight away, but Remus had that appointment with Pomfrey to go to so sleep would have to wait.

Remus had expected Sirius’ hand to leave his once they got to the dorm, however as they entered Sirius’ hand didn’t budge. Sirius’ confidence in his feelings for Remus felt empowering and overwhelming all at the same time.

“Well, well lads! I take it we’ve resolved some of our issues?” James’ voice greeted them as they made their way into the room, startling Remus to his presents.

“Resolved? Probably not, but we’re working on it” Sirius’ beamed looking not to James but smile faced directly at Remus. Whatever fear Remus had at James seeing their current state was whisked away with that smile, he would swear that smile could resolve any issues going on in the world. 

“Good, Good, now as happy as I am that your heads seemed to have been removed from their occupancy up your arse’s, I’ve been sat here thinking about what that could mean for my sleeping habits. So here!” James informed them while handing them a long note with the title written in large thick black letters. It read: Messrs Prongs and Wormtail’s List of Rules for Their Dorm Room Should Moony and Padfoot Get Their Heads Out of Their Arses. 

“You just wrote this did you? Interesting seeing as that Wormtail’s writing and Wormtail is still sleeping” Sirius chuckled.

“Well perhaps we’ve had a contingency plan in place for awhile” James smirked at them before snatching his list back and making quite the performance of reading it to them, as he claimed it was obvious they would not read it with the manner it deserved.

The Marauders spent the day with the exception of meals and Remus’ appointment (Which all four went to, driving Pomfrey up the wall) in their dorm being absolutely ridiculous and avoiding talking about anything actually important. It was exactly what Remus needed, they were exactly want Remus needed.

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Sirius sat at the end of Remus’ bed long after everyone had gone to sleep, Remus himself had fallen asleep multiple times. Remus was having one of those fitful sleeps where something kept waking him up, something which he suspected was the boy sitting at the end of his bed wide awake.

“Sirius, why don’t you go to bed?” He finally inquired after about the third time waking up. Sirius must have been exhausted, unlike Remus he hadn’t slept through a good chunk of yesterday and he’d obviously been awake well before Remus woke up in the morning.

“I can’t Rem, I still haven’t been able to close my eyes” Sirius was still being so open with him and normally he would have been ecstatic about it, but right now it just worried him. Sirius' words in themselves felt like they stabbed him in his gut, but he supposed he deserved it. 

“Padfoot, at least come lay down” Remus told him, opening the blankets for him to come and join. He was scared this would be pushing things too far, but he couldn’t just leave Sirius sitting there all night. Thankfully to his delight, Sirius didn’t even hesitate in joining him.

Sirius didn’t say anything he just laid there facing him, staring into Remus’ eyes. Remus couldn’t have guessed how long they just laid there, but to be fair he really didn’t care how long it had been. He could probably spend a lifetime just like this, and even more so when Sirius’ hand reached up and gently stroked the side of his face.

“Moony?” Eventually Sirius broke the silence of their stare, though his voice didn’t reach Remus’ ears. It wasn’t too hard to guess that it was some form of his name.

“What’s up Sirius?” He prompted. Sirius’ reply started coming in the same hushed volume, one he could not hear.  
“Pads, you’re going to need to talk louder than that for me”

“Sorry Rem, I was just wondering if that was a new thing for you? Have you ever thought about doing that before?” Sirius’ question left some blanks, but Remus knew what he meant by it.

“I suppose it was new, I’ve never done something like that.. I don’t think I would have if I was in my normal mind, but I don’t remember how I felt then” Remus didn’t really know how to answer this line of questioning, Sirius had never been one to talk about emotions often.  
“I know, but what I mean is are you depressed? I just get this feeling like maybe we’ve been missing something. Seeing you like that, so peaceful.. I don’t know, it seemed like it was something you’d accepted, it didn’t seem new.” Sirius was staring still into his eyes as he asked, his fingers stroking the side of Remus’ face. Remus could still see that fear in his eyes.

“No Sirius, I think it was just a shock reaction.. I’ve never thought about doing something like that before, I do get upset sometimes.. I'm not always.. I don’t think its ever anything abnormal, I’m not sure I'd call myself depressed.. maybe sometimes.. I don't know” It wasn't exactly an intelligent answer nor untruthful for the most part, if he were honest with himself he really just didn't know if he'd call it depression, he just got low sometimes. Of course he’d thought about it before, he never thought he’d act on it but there was always a little thought in the back of his mind during the bad times that told him it would be better to just not be here anymore. Sirius couldn’t know that though, he was already so scared to lose him that Remus didn’t want to know how he’d react if he told him the truth. Luckily he had always been a good liar when needed, mixing just the right amount of truth in to make something believable. 

“Okay Rem, you’d tell me though right? If you get like that again, you’ll tell me right? Even if it’s something you’re thinking about?” Sirius’ need for reassurance was clearly evident in his voice, and Remus wasn’t going to deny him what he needed.

“Didn’t I promise I would? I will Sirius. I told you earlier, sometimes things bug me and I’m still having trouble with all of this.. but I’ll be okay and if I'm not, I'll talk you” He reassured, his hand finding it’s way to Sirius’ arm and fingers drawing patterns on the soft skin in what he hoped was a comforting way. 

Sirius didn’t say anything more, he just held tightly onto Remus. His arms wrapping around Remus brought a sense of comfort Remus didn’t even know was possible.

Neither of them would have been able to tell who fell asleep first, but they both fell into a deep sleep comforted by each others arms. They definitely knew however it was James who was the first one to wake up in the morning, if the pictures were anything to go by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I didn't sleep for 48 hours, then tired to ruin my story, then napped realized what I'd done and promptly fix it, so sorry to anyone who read that, but this is my actual chapter! - Myka


	13. To Gay Or Not To Gay That Is.. Not Really A Choice

Remus woke up the next morning still wrapped in Sirius’ arms, Sirius was still sound asleep beside him. He noticed something on top of the blankets, catching the light glare from the open curtains. His free arm reached out to grab the thing on top of his bed, bringing it towards him he noticed it was a stack of photographs. Photographs of him and Sirius snuggled together in his bed, They made him smile as he looked through them. It wasn’t until he got to the last photograph that his smile faltered. Written on the back of the last photo in James’ messy scroll were the words: Glad you guys have finally admitted your feeling for each other, but close the curtains next time.

He had to get out of here, out of Sirius’ arms. He wiggled and maneuvered himself out trying to get away without waking Sirius up. He was probably making a bit of a spectacle of himself as he ended up sort of sliding off the bed in a mad rush. He had to take a shower or something, he needed to think. He was madly grabbing his shower stuff and clothes when he heard someone.

“Where are you in such a rush to get to? You two were so cute all snuggled up” James was there sat right on his bed watching him this whole time and Merlin James’ words were not helping.

“No where, I just need a shower! Classes start soon.” He kind of barked out as he rushed from the room.

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The water hitting his back was always such a comforting feeling, it wrapped him in it’s warm embrace as he stepped in. To be fair he was just in such a warm embrace minutes ago, and it had felt so good. Then how could he be in love with Sirius, he wasn’t gay was he? How did he just suddenly decide he was gay? Was it even sudden? Looking at it objectively he’d never really had any feeling for a girl, the others would ogle and demean girls who struck there fancy and he’d simply chastise them for their behavior. Had he liked boys though? He couldn’t really recall liking boys either, so was he choosing to be gay for Sirius? Is that even a thing? 

Then there was Sirius. Sirius had always been a constant for him, The way Sirius’ hair felt under his fingers, the silver of Sirius’ eyes shining towards him like they held all of the answers in the world, Sirius’ body as he flew by him during quidditch games and Merlin his muscles as he went for the bludgers. These thoughts weren’t new, they’d always been there. Even just standing here thinking about Sirius was causing his body to react.

He needed a second opinion, he needed and outside opinion and only one name came to mind. Lily.

Remus got dressed in a hurry, he had to find Lily before classes started. Luckily Lily wasn’t very hard to find in the mornings, he had no desire to see the others so getting the map was out of the question, but it was Lily so Great Hall, Common Room, Library or unfortunately the girls dorms. 

Luckily as he burst through the great hall doors probably way to quickly to be considered normal, There was a flaming head of hair right where Lily always sat. He’d practically ran here once he’d noticed she wasn’t in the common room, and he was a bit out of breath.

“Hey Remus! What’s up? You look a bit flustered is everything okay?” Lily smiled at him as he approached her, her words kind with a hint of concern laced through them.

“Hey Lily, I was wondering.. if you’re done that is, Well could we talk? He really couldn’t help that it came out a bit awkward, he just hoped his run did an effect job of covering it up to sound more out of breath.

“Yeah sure! Lets go” Lily said as she simply got up and walked out of the Great Hall, how she never let anything faze her he’d never know, well anything except James that is. He followed her without comment though.

“What’s going on Remus? Is this about what happened yesterday?” She sounded so concerned when she turned around to talk to him after they tucked away into a private corner of the corridor.

“Do you think I’m gay?” flew from his mouth before he could stop it, and he was sure the look on his face relayed his shock.

“Well, uh, how do I put this delicately.. Yes, yes I really do” Lily’s tact was never very on point.

“How do you know though? Like is it just something you know when you look at me? Nobody has ever mentioned it before! I’m not turning gay for Sirius am I?” His words had a hysterical hint to them as they came out in rapid fire on to poor Lily.

“God Remus, no one just comes and tells you you’re gay! It’s kind of something you’re supposed to look inside and figure out yourself” Lily was laughing as she said it, she seemed to find his personal crisis hilarious.

“and furthermore, turning gay for Sirius? Honey I’ve been watching you pine over him for 4 years! Turning gay for Sirius, of all the things! Merlin really Remus, it’s not something you can turn, you either are gay, bi, whatever or your not, you can’t choose to be either.” Lily went full lecture mode to tell him, she seemed like it wasn’t even a tiny bit of a shock to her that he’d even be asking her these ridiculous questions.

“So I’m gay? Then why haven’t I ever liked anyone else? I don’t usually stare at guys.. Just Sirius” He didn’t know why he was even sharing that but he needed to know, he knew he loved Sirius sure but he also needed to know he wasn’t pushing himself to change for Sirius, though he was not sure that would even change how he acted He loved Sirius and he couldn’t hurt him again. For his own sake he just had to know.

“Remus, listen carefully. Sometimes when you Love someone, you don’t always pay attention to other people around you. It’s okay to only have been attracted to Sirius, It doesn’t change anything! The way you feel about him isn’t more or less valid based of whether or not you found some other guy hot, do you understand?” She asked him like he was a toddler who had not clue about anything, and to be fair he kind of felt that way.

“I think I do, It’s always been Sirius” Remus submitted to it right then, it was true and he was actually okay with it.. Actually now that he thought about it, more than okay with it.

Lily and Remus walked back into the Great Hall and he saw the Three other Marauders had made their way down, Including his Sirius. He couldn’t help the grin that covered his face as he approach them. Merlin he loved Sirius, and by some kind of miracle Sirius loved him back.


	14. Not Perfect But Close Enough

Nine days had passed since Remus had his talk with Lily and things had been surprisingly almost normal, With the exception of Sirius climbing into his bed every night and a few or well maybe a lot of stolen kisses from Sirius’ lips that took his breath completely away. There was only one thing that made everything not feel so normal.

His hearing was getting worse. Voices were cutting in and out, and the background chatter of people talking was no longer audible. He’d woken up in the middle of the night on multiple occasions thinking he’d finally lost his hearing with the absents of snoring noises that typically presided within the room, then Peter would let out a massive snort and he’d finally relax back into a fitful sleep for the rest of the night.

Tonight it happened again, no noises, then Pete, but sleep didn’t return to him. The man snuggled up against him was distracting him from it’s call. He had to talk to him, had to say what he’d been needing to say for nine days, and had been avoiding at all cost, he had to say it while he could still hear the words of his reply.

“Sirius”

“Go back to sleep Moons, suns not up yet” Came the sleepy reply to his call.

“Sirius I need to talk to you” he persisted because he had to do this now, his nerve wouldn’t hold out otherwise.

“Can it wait until after my morning coffee?” Sirius said, but he still rubbed his eyes and propped himself up on his arm. He would listen to whatever Remus had to say regardless of the time, and Remus knew and cherished this about him. 

“No, it’s important”

“What is it then Rem, I’m all ears” Sirius smiled at him with one of his special only for Remus smiles that made him completely weak in the knees.

“Remember when we talked before, about um.. thinking about uh.. not being here anymore?” Remus stumbled out incredibly vaguely, this was going to be hard for him to talk about. 

“Huh? Like Hogwarts here?” Sirius’ confused face all scrunched up would have made him laugh had it not been for the subject matter he was attempting to converse about.

“No, Like as in living” he clarified sullenly.

“Remus, are you okay? Are you thinking about that?” Sirius’ face now downcast and worry illuminated in his voice.

“No, but you asked if I ever had and I told you I didn’t, remember?”

“Of course I remember, what about it?” His voice is panicked as he replies and Remus hates himself for what he’s about to say, he knows Sirius comes to his bed every night to make sure he’s still here and this isn’t going to help, but he can’t have this relationship start on the foundation of a lie.

“I do think about it.. have thought about it.. I um, I lied before” Remus couldn’t help the shame that welled up inside him with his confession, and Sirius’ fallen face made him feel so much worse.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have been angry with you” Sirius tells him, and his heart feels like it will never cease to hurt when that amount of pain laces Sirius’ face.

“You were so scared, after what I did to you.. I couldn’t bare hurting you more” His voice probably sounds on the edge of tears.

“Can you tell me about it now?” Sirius asked with no judgment in his eyes.

“Yeah.. I think so.. Well it’s like I said, I get low sometimes.. When the moons are hard, or everything is getting stressful, and I guess just randomly sometimes.. I just, well, sometimes I think it’d be better to just not be here anymore” Remus really didn’t want to cry during this conversation, he’d been trying so hard to be strong but a few silent tears still escaped him.

“Moony, Please.. I love you so much, I really couldn’t handle losing you.. Merlin that sounds so selfish. I just.. well talk to me, Merlin whatever you do talk to me if you feel that way, I’m here Remus, I’m here for you no matter what” Sirius eyes shined with the same silent tears that fell from Remus’ as he spoke.

“I will Pads, and I know you are. I promise I don’t want to leave you, I never have.. Every time it’s crossed my mind, there was always this voice in the back of my head that told me to hold on, that I’d be okay, that is your voice Sirius” Remus finish his confession. He just hoped Sirius would understand that he really didn’t want to die, he wanted to stay with Sirius forever but that didn’t mean that the thoughts wouldn’t always be there.

“It’ll be okay Rem, Come here” Sirius opened his arms for Remus and he didn’t hesitate to crawl into them, he needed Sirius right now, he needed to feel his warmth and love.

“I love you so fucking much you know that?” Sirius cocked his head towards him as he asked, trying to convey the love he had for him with his eyes

“I love you too Sirius”

“Do you feel like that now?” Sirius asked needing reassurance.

“No”

“Just one question then.. why tonight?”

“I had to make sure I could still hear what you said” Remus’ head bowed away as he admitted this, the thought of losing Sirius voice was still an ever present worry that shook his very soul.

“Moony, you’ll always hear me.. Whether it’s said with the hand talking, or reading my lips or verbally.. I’ll make sure you always hear me” Sirius added with a gentle kiss to his forehead, and Remus felt every single word of it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In the end Remus lost about 70% of his hearing, and it was hard, it hurt him every time he noticed he could not hear something. Sirius was be there though, he helped him through every step and when Sirius would laugh he still heard it clear as a bell and he would feel like nothing was truly that bad. The other Marauders also did their share in making Remus feel so much better, they loved the hand talking that they learned along side Remus and it became their secret way to plan all manner of mischief in front of everyone, the lip reading was also a group effort and it was used more for ease dropping on the staff more than anything to do with Remus' hearing.

Still for years afterwards Sirius often woke up screaming for Remus at night. Yet Remus was always there, Remus always held him as he cried and rubbed his back in comfort as he allowed Sirius to hold him as a physical reminder of his still living presence. Sirius' hand always reaching to feel Remus' heart's continuous beating.

Depression still gripped them in it’s unforgiving arms, their relationship never altered this. Except when the nights were low and the days seemed to pass them by, they had a never judging shoulder to lean on.

It wasn’t perfect, but it was all theirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I actually finish it this time.. I really tried putting my all into this story so I hope you guys like it.. I'm going to miss it how weird is that? Lol! I can't thank you guys enough for the kudos and comments, they mean a lot to me! - Myka


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